


Fail!Wolf Derek & the fist bump

by darain39



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Fist Bump, Gen, Humor, Well not really, fail!wolf Derek, i just want him to laugh so badly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 22:41:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darain39/pseuds/darain39
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because I love Derek & he deserves nice things AND I HAVE YET TO HEAR HIM LAUGH, I gifted this to myself and it made me chuckle...didn't mean to hurt poor Stiles but meh... eggs/omlettes...</p><p>unbeta'd cause I just don't know who to ask...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fail!Wolf Derek & the fist bump

“Did you see how he went down? Bamn, dropped his ass right down, mutherfucker! Dude, that was freakin EPIC!” Stiles shouted, whooping and jumping around. Derek glanced over at him from of the corner of his eye and huffed out a long suffering breath, the tenseness rolling outwards, down from his neck, past his tightly coiled shoulders, dissipating somewhere in the region of his stomach, a nasty but familiar ache. Trust Stiles to completely brush off the fact that not ten minutes had passed since he'd been pressed up against a raging, rouge Alpha, seconds away from tearing out his all to human throat. Well that was until the charge of the light brigade (read: Derek and his pack of werewolves) had swarmed in and fanged out, ripping, tearing, snarling. Derek, being the Alpha, had led the them, claws extended, eyes bleeding red.

How the hell did this kid always manage to get in between him and something that wanted to eat his face off? He debated for a second whether a Stiles _without_ a mouth might not actually be such a bad thing...but eh...no. That wasn't really fair. Stiles might get on his nerves a little too often but he didn't deserve to be this Alpha's chew toy.

Well not yet anyway.

Being grabbed around the throat by a positively rabid beast had not stopped Stiles trying to _talk_ it to death though.

“Hey fluffy...yeah that’s right...you big bad son of a bitch you.... Sure that you wanna snack on skinny little old me right now? What would that do for your diet? Do you really think your doctor's gonna be okay with that?” he snarked, eliciting an aggravated roar from the beast holding him. Derek let kid ramble on for a second longer before extending his hand and ripped through the Alpha’s back, claws tearing past muscle and sinew, breaking apart the solid flesh and tissue under his hand. Suddenly, Stiles was bathed in its blood as Derek's hand pushed through the Alpha's chest. An inhuman roar filled the night before being cut off. Derek reached around and ripped out the things throat, just to be sure. In doing so he coated Stiles in a little bit more blood and gristle than was completely necessary. A little payback he reasoned, for the fear that had been coursing through him, at his first sight of the damned human in the clutches of the Alpha.

“Dude..Guhhh!” Stiles squawked, after a moment, rubbing at his face, smearing the fresh droplets into a kind of war paint across the bridge of his nose. “Um...thanks and all ! I think” he said, resuming furiously clawing at the mess on his face, accidentally getting some of the blood in his eye.

“AHHH that burns, fuck! I'm going blind! Someone freakin help me!” His arms flailed wildly out in front of him, almost hitting Derek in the face.

Okay so _now_ at least Derek had a reason to feel bad about it. Geez this kid. _Really_?

“Hold still you idiot” Derek growled.

Stiles locked his hands over his chest, but continued winking like a possessed person, trying to remove the burning sting of the fluid leaking into his eye socket.

Derek shucked off his jacket and pulled a corner of his sleeve into his mouth, wetting a point of the course fabric with this tongue.

“Keep your eyes closed for a bit, yeah:” He stepped towards Stiles and put a steadying hand behind the boy's head, pulling his sleeve gently across the ball of his closed eyelid, softly rubbing away all the blood that had pooled there.

“Mmm...” Stiles breathed, becoming hushed and still.

Derek was close enough to feel the exhalation of Stiles' warm breath against his cheek.

“That feels really...um...nice” Derek froze up immediately, pulling his hand away, releasing the grip he had on Stiles' neck. Hastily, taking a step back, he crossed his arms over his chest. Stiles opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times to clear his vision.

“Okay then...Um..thanks. Like really glad I can see again and all” Stiles said, looking directly at Derek's face, crossing his arms in a mimicking gesture.

Derek took a another step back, dropping down to scoop up the discarded jacket from the forest floor.

“It was basically nothing” His answer was clipped and terse. Stiles blinked rapidly, licking his lips before responding.

“Yeah...uh. seemed like nothing just then...besides the ripping out of a wicked something's spine and tearing of the throat..so, so totally nothing..but uh thanks anyway big guy.” Stiles grinned, , uncrossing his arms while simultaneously bouncing on the balls of his feet. They resumed walking away from the grizzly scene behind them.

Derek snapped back to the present, where Erica had slung an arm around Stiles' shoulders, crowding in close to his cheek, scent marking him.

“Damn Batman, you did really good tonight, but then again, I'm not surprised, that pretty mouth of yours is _awfully_ distracting, right _Derek_?” she smirked, throwing him an evil glance, her cackling laugher ringing out in the quiet of the forest. Stiles' head snapped towards him, his brow furrowed in confusion.

“Like, what the hell would he know about the wonders of my mouth huh?” he squeaked, tipping his head in Derek's direction.

Derek could hear both Isaac and Boyd try to stifle their laughter, the forest suddenly full of sputtering snorts and coughs. God, they were all like little kids. Next time he was gonna bite like bunch of sixty year olds. This was totally not what he signed up for. Derek rumbled low in the back of this throat, feeling his claws bite into the flesh of his curled fingers, palms drawn up tightly.

“Erica's just being an ass.” he replied bluntly, breaking stride to fall in a couple of steps behind the rest of the pack, hoping none of them could pick up on the slight blush he could feel coursing through his face.

Erica knew how any reference to Stiles, especially his mouth, made Derek's pulse jump and she just rejoiced in the revelations of that particular biological misery. Yes, officially Derek was convinced Erica was the devil, this was hell and apparently he bore the brunt of her torture. Damn teenagers!

“She's right you know,” Scott interjected, “his mouth, when its not containing one of his rather large feet, has saved our asses more than once.” Scott grinned, turning towards Stiles, putting his fist out in the air towards his friend. Stiles whooped again and reached over to touch his knuckles to Scott's.

“Totally why your the bestest, most awesome friend a guy could have, right there buddy!” he beamed.

Derek had witnessed this behaviour before, especially when Stiles initiated it. He called it a 'fist bump' and apparently, surviving death, winning at Xbox, getting the last Cheeto or making Derek's lips twitch in a smile were all legitimate reasons to 'pound some skin' in a show of victory. He'd mostly got the rest of pack to hit back on such occasions. Well, everybody except Derek that is. Derek was adamant it was childish behaviour. He was not some douchnozzle frat jock that went on keg-ragers and knuckled it out with the best of them. Now, he could understand a handshake, perfect way to communicate your feelings, no problem there. But this? Nope. Not gonna happen. Stiles, in the meantime had caught the fever and was reaching out to each of the pack in turn and exclaiming loudly when they returned the gesture. “Yeah, that’s it. Awesome, come on now, show me some skin, that’s right Boyd you're a total BAMF, its all good, show Stiles whatcha got. Oh yeah. That's the spot. Come on Lyd's, you can do it, just a tap...uh huh...you know you want it...cut loose...great you're the _man_!” Eventually all of them had returned the insane gesture, smiling and laughing along with his unique brand of crazy. Lastly, he fell in step with Derek, bouncing his shoulder against that of the Alpha's.

“Whatcha say big bad? Gonna give it a go this time?” His face was almost serious, but Derek could see the hilarity hiding behind his eyes, their natural honey-brown hue being lit up in mirth. Derek shook his head, turning away from Stiles.

“You know how I feel about that. It's just not me. So it's a solid no, okay?” He clenched his jaw, fisting his hands deeper into the pockets of his jacket, hunching up his already too tight shoulders.

“Ahh come on dude... we're all friends here. And it's practically a pack tradition by now. Just this once. You deserve it. Especially since the awesome way you basically tore that badass a new one tonight. Granted, I'm sure he doesn't feel quite the same, but from where I was standing, swimming in blood, totally outta this world. In my books,that deserves some Stilinski skin right there!” Derek turned back towards him, putting on his patented “bitch-don't-even” glare and of course it was aimed exclusively at Stiles.

“You think putting yourself in danger, as bait, against a feral, rouge Alpha is cause to _celebrate_? I'm supposed to just what, party it up cause you decided to jaunt off and play hero...again?” He could feel his claws elongate, his fangs trying to push their way into his mouth. Stiles jerked his head up, all trace of good humour seemed gone, instead his lips thinned and pulled together into a hard line.

“Jesus Derek, relax. I knew you and your merry band would be along soon. That's why I text'd Scott earlier to let him know about the plan. I didn't doubt for a moment you guys wouldn't be able to track me down and it was the best way to get hold of the Alpha. We'd all but exhausted our plans to date, trying to catch him. This was our last resort and it worked. Can't you just be happy that for once our plan lucked out and no-one who didn't deserve to get hurt or killed actually made it through alive and okay?” Even though Derek could hear he was angry, there was a sad note in his words, he could almost smell the disappointment flowing off of Stiles. Realising he didn't want to hurt the boy's feelings, Derek felt his own anger dissipate. Yes, Stiles' actions were foolish and risky and also incredibly brave. None of the other humans in his pack had been ready to put their lives on the line in such an obviously dangerous way. Then again, he realised, not for the first time, Stiles could always be counted on to do just that. Go that much further, even if it meant sticking his neck out to be chewed on by a werewolf. He gave Stiles a small smile, nodding his head once in agreement, before turning to pick up pace and catch up to the rest of the pack who were ahead of them. Stiles jogged up next to him and punched his shoulder.

“Great so lets tap this one out okay? Come on, it's like your a fist virgin and I'm gonna ease you into it. Okay wait that didn't come out right. What I meant is I want you to pump my hand...no...not that either..um this is really not going well.” Derek could hear the boy's heartbeat speeding up, a flush creeping across his pale cheeks, his scent spiking with humiliation. He gruffed out a genuine laugh, which seemed to put Stiles at ease. If this was that important to him then for the sake of a member of his pack he could look past the humiliating, brotastic gesture and take one for the team. He stepped ahead, in front of Stiles, walking backwards and held out his clenched fist as he'd seen the others do moments ago. Accompanied by his trademark sigh and eye roll of course.

“Come on then. Fist me” He chuckled as the blush deepened on the younger man's relieved, smiling face.

“It's called a fist bump you idiot.” Stiles said back, almost breathless in his attempt not to choke on his tongue which felt thick and heavy in his mouth.

He was just reaching out to triumphantly touch his fist to that of the Alpha’s when..because this was Derek's life and clearly he hadn't suffered enough and the universe hated him and he couldn't EVER have nice things, the heel of his shoe caught in an uneven tree root behind him, pitching him forward. In his attempt to right himself, he gave a Stiles worthy flail and his curled fist ended up bashing the poor kid in the face. Hard. Hard enough that he heard a crack before copious amounts of blood started to stream out of Stiles abused nose.

“Jesus...ow...fuck...ow..dammit” he roared, but already the swelling had muffled his words. Derek could only stare back in horror as Stiles clamped both this hands around his nose.

“Oh god, I'm sorry. It was an accident. I was trying to...Um..I didn't mean to...Are you okay?” The words were coming in a continuous stream and he was unable to stop them, to cut off the flow.

“Ngnow you idithot..I think you broke my tfucking nothe!” came out Stiles chocked response, and as he breathed out, there was a high pitched whistle, the air being squeezed out around the already swelling appendage.

It might have been the adrenaline from earlier or just the fact that Derek really had very little to laugh about in the last couple of years (read: his life) but hearing that whistle, combined with the horror and indignation and pissed off look in Stiles' eyes which had teared up a little from the pain just sucked the seriousness right outta the whole thing for him and he began to laugh. And not just laugh but _guffaw_. Like he fell on his ass, clutching his stomach and roared against the hands pressed to his face, barely able to breathe kind of laugh. Oh god it was horrible and he was a terrible person, oh well werewolf but nothing was funnier than hearing that whistle in Stiles' breath as he tried to breathe through his nose.

“You thucking assthole. You btroke my nothe and you think it thunny?” Stiles screamed at Derek.

The Alpha was trying hard to get himself under control but then there came the whistle again. _Squeak_. Jesus he's was going to hell for this that was sure but he couldn't stop laughing. He threw his head back and basically howled, tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks, wetting the leaves piled on either side of his head. He actually started kicking his feet a little in an effort to try and distract himself from the waves of laughter that were crashing through his body. Nothing in the last couple of years had come even close to being as funny as this and so he gave up trying to fight it and just let the laughter bubble up and out of his chest in long wheezing breaths.

Meanwhile the rest of the pack had doubled back, noticing their absence and formed a ring where Derek lay, helpless to do anything but roll around clutching at his pained stomach.

“What happened? We heard this noise and then a whistling sound? _Stiles_?” Scott turned towards his friend, noticing the blood soaking the top of his tee-shirt.

“The fthucker broke my nothe, that’s what” _Whistle_

Derek howled with renewed laughter. It just wasn't _fair_.

“What, like on purpose? Derek what the fuck man?” That was Isaac. He sounded pissed.

Derek tried to answer by shaking his head but the sounds that were coming from his mouth made it hard for any of the present company to understand him.

“I was.. _whistle_...hahahhaha...um trying to... _whistle_...hahahaha, fist bump... _whistle_...tripped...hahahahahahah...nose _whistle_...sorry...hahhahahahahaha” he said from his position on the forest floor, still unable to control himself.

“Sthop laugthing you stoopid mutherfucthker...It _really really_ hurths..”. _whistle_

 

Because this was his life, it was a full five minutes before Derek could get himself under control.

 

Needless to say it was a while before Stiles would even speak to him again and he never tried to fist bump with Derek again.

 

Oh well there were some things in life he definitely he could live without.

Fist bumping. One of them.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr  
> Where I fanboy over Hoechlin, Sterek and Teen Wolf  
> Come say hi :)  
> *how the fuck do you do the cool link thingie?*
> 
> http://www.tumblr.com/blog/darain39


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